And the most feared calling is........

I have asked many people lately this question. "Of all the ways you could be asked to serve in the church, what would be the calling you would fear most?" People usually answer a couple of different callings, citing their various reasons, but there seems to be one common calling, and it's usually the first one, that is always mentioned. AND, I have recently been asked to fill this calling! Do you have a guess yet?.........One of the most feared callings of the church appears to be gospel doctrine teacher (Primary President is also a common). Even older well-seasoned active and faithful saints who have served in just about every church organization I can think of, who are out-going and like to talk, said that is the one calling they would fear.

So, why so much fear? Of course it terrifies me as well. No matter how much I read and prepare, I get almost physically sick the night before I am supposed to teach. I've been trying to sort through why it is that I feel like that. Is it my own pride? Do I think I have to know everything in order to not look stupid or in order to appear good to others? Am I intimidated by the knowledge of those present in the class? Is it my fear of public speaking? Is it because my mind literally goes blank when I stand in front of people (which is why I like to write my talks out word for word beforehand)? Is it a lack of faith that the Spirit will direct and guide me? Is it that I fear the responsibility teachers have to create and environment where people can be taught and uplifted and thus feel a lot of pressure to have the perfect lesson/discussion? Maybe it is a combination of all these....

Regardless, I've taught 2 lessons so far and hope they get a little easier and that I will get a little better each time. Being able to teach powerfully and clearly is a strength I desire to develop because my life has been greatly blessed and changed as a result of amazing teachers. Nate had been blessed with that gift and I have always admired that in him. I have tried to glean from him and other teachers that have positively affected my life. I am trying to diligently prepare and live worthily of the Spirit so that that is how the teaching is done.

I will say that I know I have already been personally blessed by the focused and purposeful study I done to try to do my part to prepare. I have been amazed at the power the scriptures have, no matter where and what I study, to bring strength and focus and testimony into my life. They are refreshing, they bring hope, they bring peace, they bring comfort and guidance and understanding. I have personally learned so much more than I could ever share/give another person. I am saddened that it would take a calling such as this, even fear, to motivate me to study in this manner, but I am also thankful. I hope I will learn to study with the same intensity even long after I no longer have such a calling.

So, I would challenge you to pretend like you will be teaching the gospel doctrine class this Sunday and see how that changes the way and intensity with which you study the scriptures. 

Baby Spencer

We welcomed a new addition to our family about a month ago, a little boy named Spencer. He is adorable and such a miracle to have in our family. He has also kept my hands full. I've talked to many moms before about what was the hardest transition in having kids, going from none to one, from one to two, or two to three. All of the above seemed pretty seamless and easy for me. Sure, having twins was busy, especially at first, but I didn't know any different and was so excited to have them. Then adding one more seemed easy because one baby was more manageable than two, I was a little more experienced at being a mom that time, and the girls entertained each other pretty well. So what could be so hard about adding one more right?

For me, going from 3 children to 4 had been somewhat of a hard transition. All of a sudden I feel my hands are tied and I can't meet everyone's needs nor hardly stay afloat the basics of keeping a family going. Maybe I had grown too accustomed to how independent my three other young children really had become and how much I could get done in a day. They could play outside for an hour or so while I worked on a project without needing too much from mom. Now, I am lucky if I can get just one thing done that I planned for the day (like laundry or sweeping the floors). My little Spencer has been somewhat more fussy than the others, he wants to eat every 1.5 to 2 hours, and doesn't sleep well without being held. He also still takes about 40 min. to eat so by the time I'm done feeding him, changing diaper, he has a little awake time, then sleeps for a bit, the cycle starts over.

For the first time in having a new baby, I think I've really felt the "baby blues." I am usually a pretty happy and very resilient person. I keep reminding myself I just have to let go. I can't do it all or even half of it all. Just focus on the essentials. But, I sometimes feel I can't even get the essentials done: feed kids 3 meals a day, have at least one pair of clean clothes for the day, take a little personal time, and spend time Nate and the other older kids......can't seem to fit even that in. I think it is also harder this time because not only do I have more kids, I see Nate less. He has so much on his plate with trying to teach full time, and finish his PhD so he can get a permanent job, and fulfilling his calling as young mens president.

One of my favorite talks is called "Finding Joy in the Journey" by President Thomas S. Monson. In it he talks about focusing on the things that matter most in our lives. He speaks about being grateful and enjoying each moment we are in. He talks about how the people around us are most often what matters most. I have even put a vinyl saying on my wall that says "Find Foy in the Journey" to remind myself to savor each moment.

When I manage to achieve all 4 kids crying at the same time, I need to just laugh and be grateful my children are healthy and can cry and communicate their needs to me. When we are pulling our clothes for the day out of the unfolded laundry, I can be grateful that we have a washer and dryer. Could you imagine doing it all by hand? When I look at my saggy belly and yet feel so tired that exercise is the last thing I want to do, I can remember the times when I thought I would never even be able to have children and be amazed at what my body can do. When I get up every hour or two during the night, I can remember the true miracle that Spencer and my other children are. How blessed we are to have modern medicine. When my husband is gone most nights and on the weekends, I can remember that at least I do have a husband that is working to provide for our family and that he has the desire to serve the Lord in his callings.

All this has really hit home when I recently found out that one of my cousins’ little 3 year old boy has been diagnosed with a brain tumor. He has already undergone surgery to remove the brain tumor and now will start radiation and chemotherapy for 60 weeks! Another family in our ward had their little baby boy at about 26 weeks and are enduring all the hard things that come with having a baby in the NICU for over a month now. When we think things are hard for us, it doesn’t take very much to look around and see someone who is going through something much worse and much harder. It usually puts our trials into better perspective and strengthens our desire to serve.

random blog

I was looking things up about what it takes to become a CNM - certified nurse midwife for a personal progress experience and came across a random blog that touched me.

One quote she had about a full life went as follows "I'd rather have my hands full, than my arms empty."  Susie Treber, mother of quadruplets

That snapped me out of my self-pity attitude tonight that I'm just days away from having a baby and a bit tired, uncomfortable and impatient.

Also, she had a post about adoption from her point of being the midwife that was sweet.  http://the-midlife-midwife.blogspot.com/2007/04/love-and-courage.html

Time to relax

Well, my forever ongoing overwhelming project is almost done. We finally, finally, finally have carpet downstairs!! I love it. It is so nice to have extra space and an official guest room (can't wait to have visitors!) The girls got a new bunk bed and slept in their new room for the first time. I'm surprised they even slept at all. They were so excited and had a perma-grin on their faces the whole night. I spent all day yesterday organizing rooms and rearranging things and cleaning so now Preston has his very own room with a toddler bed and the girls' stuff is all downstairs and baby's room is ready to go. It feels so nice to have a house that is warm and clean and organized and comfortable! Now I hardly know what to do with myself. Hmmmm...how about relax?

In the meantime, Preston has decided within the last month that he wants to go potty like a big boy! He did really good for a day or two when it was new and exciting, then started not wanting anything to do with it so I thought I wouldn't push it (made that mistake with the girls) and thought I would just put him back in diapers. Well, that doesn't really work once the can of worms had been opened. He didn't like wearing diapers and would take them off every time they were wet, (or Baylee would help him) put on his big boy underwear, then have accidents because he didn't want to try to go when I asked him. One time, we had been out and about for hours while he didn't have a diaper on (which I had no idea) only to have an accident right when we got home, which was a huge surprise for me. So, with the help of some new special potty treats and not really pushing the issue, he has all of the sudden started telling me when he has to go and has had two days of almost no accidents including #1 and #2 even when we are out and about! I can't believe he is that big already. He loves playing in his sand box in the back, especially now that we have had some days of nice (meaning no snow and above 40 degrees) weather. One morning, we couldn't find Preston anywhere in the house and saw that he had gone outside in his pajamas and was playing in the sand. =)

Winter

It seems like this winter has flown by. We are looking forward to the arrival of our fourth child, a boy, in a couple months. He still has no name planned for him so hopefully we can come up with one soon. I have kept busy working on the basement and running the girls to preschool and gymnastics. My sister Stephanie came and lived with us for a month which was fun. It was nice to have a companion throughout the day and she was a great help with the kids and basement! We are going to pick out carpet this weekend and then we will start moving stuff downstairs.Yay!  =) Here are a couple pictures before we hooked all the electrical up. The colors don't really show very well but at least it gives an idea. 

We just got back from a quick weekend visit to our parents. It was great to see them be able to enjoy the kids. Nate and I also picked out our new glasses from Wardell Vision Center, my parents new optometric practice that is up and running. The Billings Gazette did a follow up story on my dad today. It is just a miracle to see how far he has come and see all the work he and mom have done in the past year to get their business up and running. It looks great!